[healthy scoop]
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Pitfall # 1
As new mothers we can easily fall into over-caretaking. We can fall into a routine of taking care of all of our baby’s needs without soliciting the help of our partner. We don’t understand and feel resentful and hurt when our partner does not appreciate our efforts. Caring for others is life giving to our relationships, but unhealthy care taking emerges as controlling behavior. Worse, we can lose our sense of self in the process.
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Opportunity #1
When we encourage our partners to participate in the care of our baby, our partner will gain a sense of confidence and competence that will likely lead to taking initiative in other areas of care and involvement. While he is exploring these areas of participation, we can devote time to caring for ourselves.
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Pitfall #2
As new mothers, we become aware of how differently our husbands may father our baby. When we judge their different style and methods, they will likely retreat from taking initiative in our baby’s care, not to mention brew a resentment against us. When we criticize them, we make them wrong and this pattern of blame is very destructive. Fathers are different. They offer a way of parenting that our babies need as much as our style. Unless their behavior is destructive in some way, we need to be accepting, understanding, and appreciative of their efforts.
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Opportunity #2
When we step back and witness our partner’s unique way of relating and bonding with our baby, we might just find ourselves falling in love with them in a new way. Our marriage will thrive in the space of acceptance and appreciation. We will likely be open to receiving the gift of their appreciation and acceptance too. We might even find one of their ideas just what we needed to get through our own parenting impasse.
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Pitfall #3
We can expect our partners to mind read our needs. “Well, he should just know……” As we adjust to becoming mothers as part of our new role, our needs change. Expecting our partners to intuit our needs is particularly unreasonable when we ourselves are re-figuring our needs related to care, time away, stress release, and time together.
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Opportunity #3
When we take time to explore and identify our needs in our emerging role, we can communicate them positively and directly to our partners. Our partners will likely gain a sense of pride in being able to contribute to our happiness and respite.
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Pitfall #4
While foot massages will have to take a backseat in the early infant, sleep-deprived filled days, when we stray from engaging in mutually satisfying caring behaviors with our partners indefinitely, we lose site that our partner can be a source of satisfaction and care.
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Opportunity #4
A way of communicating that we value our relationship is to intentionally set aside time to connect in ways we and our partners specify as nurturing, caring behaviors. “I feel cared about when you…………….” By creating a list of five caring behaviors that you and your partner can “gift” each other with by choosing one to surprise your partner during a week’s time, it can rekindle that sense that your partner in a provider of pleasure and care.
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Pitfall #5
With the sleep deprivation and stresses that accompany new parenthood, arguments with our partners can easily escalate into words that are soon regretted. During times of rising anger, our “limbic brain” responds instinctively by choosing to fight or to flee. When we feel our anger escalating to this level, it is best to have a mutual agreement not to talk about the hot button issue until our anger has cooled.
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Opportunity #5
By mutually agreeing to not discuss hot button issues in the midst of intensifying anger, we can create conditions to protect our relationship. It is critical that we and our partners make a mutual commitment to create a time to discuss issue in next 24 hours without excuse. Not discussing the hot button over time will fuel resentment, further misunderstanding, and opportunities for anger. In a cooled down state, we are more likely to take responsibility for our anger and recognize our part in creating it. We are always responsible for our anger with the exception of instances of abuse. When we communicate by accepting our responsibility, it allows opportunities for growth and peace in relationship.
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Pitfall #6
When we allow week after week pass without intentionally creating times to connect with our partners, we lose a sense of closeness and involvement with our partner. Take note of the activities that serve as ways to avoid your partner. Agree to surrender some of those activities with the intention of replacing the time by connecting with your partner.
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Opportunity #6
By creating intentional time with our partner, the marriage bond is reinforced. As new parents we are transforming in our identities and needs. Ultimately we want our marriages to nurture mutual growth. Creating time together without the immediate demands of parenting offers the gift of being fully present to one another, enjoying each other’s company, and being a witness to the new person that is emerging before you.
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Pitfall #7
Parenthood is humbling. When we guise our insecurities, fears, and uncertainties in controlling behaviors or judgment of our partner, we contribute to a vicious communication and behavior cycle in our marriage. We can communicate that we do not trust our partners which is destructive to the bond.
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Opportunity #7
Sharing openly the humbling aspects of parenthood can be bonding if not humorous at times. Letting go of the expectation to parent perfectly leaves room for your humanity and humor. We may find our partner shares some of the same fears. Marriage has an opportunity to experience deeper levels of intimacy and trust when we share our vulnerabilities- and parenthood will certainly offer plenty of those. Might as well experience parenthood with the benefit of a comrade in facing its humbling aspects.
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Common marriage pitfalls and healing opportunities addressed each week by Caroline LaRosa, certified MSW, LCSW (Lic#7674). Visit the site weekly to see what family/marital issues she tackles.

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